I Have No Words

And yet I'll probably write anyway. It's the only way to get through things sometimes. 

I had such hope for Sara. She had been well cared for by her family. I could tell by the sweet clothes that she was dressed in and the real diaper (not a scrap of cloth) wrapped around her carefully powdered bottom. She did have a fever and a cough but I was confident we could clear it up. Even being told it was pneumonia didn't dampen my hopes. We had good antibiotics. Oxygen was standing by which made me feel much better.

But then she failed to get better after the first round of meds. Then we found out she had HIV. We've had so few good results in children with HIV. I admit my faith took a hit the day we got the test result. But still, we were on top of it. Sara was covered by two antibiotics, not too mention covered with prayers from all over the world....

I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me that people everywhere are in our corner, bringing us before God's throne in prayer.

When Sara took a turn for the worse and I could see it, one of the things I thought right away was how I hated that we might disappoint all those who had been praying. "What if this discourages their faith", I thought. And in a still, small voice, God patiently reminded me that He was big enough to take care of His own reputation.

Every time we've lost a child it has been difficult in its own way. This loss was hard because we did everything right.--Not that we made mistakes with the others but now we have such a well set up clinic. But all the medicines, equipment and round the clock care didn't make a difference. I had such hope for Sara's recovery. But I guess if all it took was good drugs and medical equipment then no one in the first world would ever die. 

God has a time and place for everything and everyone. It kills me to not know His plans. I love to be in control and it is incredibly hard to give it all over to God. If only I could wrest control and make things work by sheer desire and effort. But then who would get the glory? Only God is worthy of honor and praise and I have to believe that with all my heart. 

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good.

Thank you for your wonderful words of love and encouragement these last two days. I've been so blessed. I will be writing more about our work with the children and Sara's story in particular on Wednesday, World AIDS Day. Please join me then.

Exactly One Year Ago: Queenie (Meet one of our children)