Feelings Abound

As I taught my nannies this week I marveled that the topic for the week was Feelings (more about this tomorrow) because I had plenty of them swirling around in my head and heart.

Just fifteen minutes before our scheduled staff meeting, a little baby had died. Brought to our home the night before we had fought a hard battle but she had already succumbed to the war. It was merely a matter of time.

She shouldn’t have had to die. Born to a mother with AIDS she was then diagnosed with HIV. But there are treatments out there. She could have been okay. But she wasn’t.

I was angry that her mother had refused treatment.

I was really furious that her mother had then breastfed her well beyond the safe point.

I was disappointed in the clinic staff that they hadn’t given the baby medicine when she was within their reach.

I was sad that the baby wasn’t brought to us immediately when it was obvious the mother was dying.

I was angry at the apathy of the relatives surrounding the baby that they had spent more time with their own grief than caring for this little one.

I was disappointed that all our efforts were for naught.

I was tired of pouring my heart into cases that are so hopeless that only a miracle can turn them around.

I was sad that the economic situation is such that fathers are not able to stay with their families but have to work in another city leaving mothers and children to fend for themselves.

So many feelings.  

I am relieved though, that Justina is now home with her Heavenly Father. 

I'm glad we're in a position to help others when they need it.

I'm happy that our clinic was set up and available. While ultimately unsuccessful, Justina's treatment moved smoothly forward with all medicine and equipment easily at hand.

I'm satisfied with the job our nannies did in assisting us with Justina's care.

I'm okay.

The adventures continue.....